Okay yes I promised you tales of Lisbon and what not but life does not always go according to plan, I actually have something that I think is more important to talk about. You may of seen throughout this blog that I sometimes acknowledge just how far I have come and I know that at some point in time I will have to do more to progress even further. Well to start this next year I have decided take more counselling as there have been moments recently of blind anger and panic, all contained within this solitary body of mine.
I wanted specifically to mention just how difficult it is to have this visit from an unwanted friend. You need to understand that this is not a physical person but a mental one. Of course when I say friend it’s done with tongue in cheek, this is not a friendly thing at all but I’ve known this feeling for so long that I may as well try to be friends with it as being enemies with it has never helped. I’ve met a few new people recently you see and one of them through probably no fault of their own has managed to find a trigger to make me angry and upset. I don’t want this feeling, I never asked for this to come back to me but because it was triggered I don’t know if I can do very much about it. I think I chose to do the right thing with it, not only write about it here but also at the time take myself out for a walk. This helped things not get any worse and allowed me time to process so I didn’t begin to drown in my own thoughts.
Documenting the trigger I believe is important but it’s not going to be easy. So it is my belief that when two people are in a relationship they should treat each other with a mutual respect. However my version of respect and other people’s version of respect are usually quite different. I’ve recently been in the company of a couple who have thee kind of relationship where they feel it’s fine to rib each other more than I am comfortable with. Being able to laugh with and even at your partner is fine as long as it’s mutual. For me there the amount that I experienced made me uncomfortable. One of the two people in the couple is a good friend of mine and when she offered me to spend Xmas with them I said yes. I do not really know her partner at all and I hate to say that I dislike someone without knowing them but it was their actions that triggered my anxiety and made me want to protect my friend. The trigger itself was bought on by competition. I think I have documented already how I am an uncompetitive person and find overly competitive people quite hard to get on with. My theory is that if you win at a game then win with grace and dignity, there really is no need to taunt, goad and rub it into your opponents face so to speak. This is exactly what happened, with my friends partner being rather enthusiastic about beating my friend .It’s probably important to say that I believe my friend was fine with it but it did trigger my anxiety.
I really hate these feelings resurfacing, it always reminds me that no matter how much work I have done some things just will not totally go away. However I will say at it’s obvious that I have found new and better ways to cope with them. Feelings like this still deeply disturb me and cause a massive disruption in my mindset and yes these usually and did cause me to direct my anger inwards and even resorted to a little self harm but t feels like a huge amount less than before where this sort of thing would sit with me for days or even weeks. It was like I say an unwanted visit from an old friend, one that treats me not very nicely and then leaves me to pick up the pieces. I am doing it though and writing about it gives me context and are something like for my list of things I want to talk to my new counsellor about should the initial chat work out.