I have prepared a different blog entry which I really am unsure about posting at the moment but I wanted to put something up at the end of this WWOOFing. Over the past month I have been dealing with a very severe mount of favouritism against me. It seems that no matter what I do or how I do it I always seem to be the fuck up and I always get shouted at here. In some peoples books there really is no such thing as giving someone a chance. I think half the problem also lies with me because I really don’t have the energy to argue.
The Taiwanese WWOOFers in Okasan’ opinion are really good people and can do no wrong. When they do something wrong she tends to not shout at them and it’s totally the opposite for me. I must of done something wrong or maybe it’s just because I exist that she seems constantly unhappy with everything I do. I got very upset at this at one point and it even dug up old feelings and the self destructive demon reared it’s very ugly head and took control for a while. This is what wrote the other blog entry that I am not sure about posting. I am well aware of how I have been treated and the way it has affected my mind, I’ve not been treated badly but then I have not been given the same chances as other people. As unfair as that is there is nothing I can do to rectify it. Today I leave here and there is nothing she can do to make me feel bad anymore. I have recently found it harder and harder to keep a straight face as she sings the praises of the Taiwanese WWOOFers and I continue to be a problem.
I want to tell you a story of something that happened while I have been here which the more I think about it the more ridiculous it feels. I went out shopping with Otosan (the old guy who also runs the pension) we drove the big people carrier down to smaller land rover style car. He wanted me to guide him out of the space and I tried to tell him I don’t drive so not really sure how to do it. I have no idea how the Japanese guide each other with cars, I know how I would attempt to do it with an English speaking person so I was going to get it wrong regardless. This probably put Otosan in a bad mood but still I tagged along, said not very much and helped where I could with the shopping. At one point I was waiting for him and put a hand in my pocket, an old habit but not a very well received one by Otosan. He literally grabbed my hand and pulled it out of my pocket like I was five years old and telling me in a very stern voice that it was wrong. I had to curb my laughter. Seriously I’m 38 years old and here I am in Japan being treated like a wayward child, this is not the military, I am not being watched by his customers but I am in his world and that I guess is enough for him. I had to laugh, I managed to keep it to myself, amused at the fact he needed to do this and the rebel inside me wanted even more to push more buttons.
I think my issue stems from being forgiving, although I don’t see it as an issue. I see it as a human trait that I have acquired and other people have not. I have said several times that there is no such thing as perfection and you have to let people get things wrong to allow them to find out why it’s wrong and then teach. I believe shouting at people (or shouting at me) will get you nowhere, okay some people react well to that sort of telling off and I am not one of them. So I have accepted my position of not being the favourite around here, I am even okay with not being treated equally because I cannot change what someone else thinks of me unless they want to change and it seems that the owners have made up their mind.