So while I have been WWOOFing here I have had a little issue and I am trying to figure out exactly what it is that. These are the omens when I turn to just writing and so I did, I wanted to explore this issue so this was written over a period of time towards the end of 2013.
I have mentioned in the blog that I am currently WWOOFing with mostly speak Chinese and I have been bombarded with their language which has made me recluse. I find it deeply interesting that people of the same language band together, and these people are no exception, they chatter away in there normal language and I mostly just switch off. I have found over the last few days the feeling of frustration has risen greatly. I know it’s my Western standards to want to be included in a conversation that I could possibly have some input on regarding the work we do and yet it goes against my introvert nature to want to be included but this has happened and I have to be honest about it.
I have had to go searching for what the cause of the problem really is and I still don’t have an answer that is 100% correct but I think I am getting closer. I look back on my first WWOOFing experience with great fondness, I found people I could talk to and connect with and it sits right up there as one of the great experiences of my life. After walking for a while in the snow on my own I came to a potential conclusion that I am slightly disappointed I have not been able to find the same here. I have been looking forward to this bit of WWOOFing for a while, to be surrounded by mountains and snow is such a wonderful thing but I am disappointed that I don’t have those sort of people here that I can connect with. Connecting with people has become such a focus of this trip, whenever I have I have had a great time and all the time I have not been able to do that I have felt slightly uncomfortable. To describe it better it’s like as splinter in your skin, you know that it’s there and if you do certain things a minor but acknowledgeable pain is felt and you know the best thing to do is remove the splinter but you cannot seem to be able to do that.
I am struggling. I feel so many things that I had to use deep breathing just to try and stay calm. I know a large part of me is angry that they have multiple brains to try and figure out what Okasan wants and they can help each other out by speaking in their own language. I wanted to scream at one point and had to recoil. At times I feel that things are stacked against me, a feeling I am familiar with and I am not proud to admit that I turned the whole thing in upon myself and had a small moment of self destruction which once again involved loud music and a dose of pain. I wish I did not have to write that but I have to be honest, I cannot hide that anymore, hiding it just makes the whole thing stronger.
This may all sound like a horrible experience but I learn like this, I feel I need to keep learning how to communicate my frustrations and I have small breakthrough moments that make all the bits where I feel like shit worth it.