Inside a depressive head

I say that I am happy with my own company and this is true like 80% of the time but I have lately wanted to see a familiar face and just be with them for a while. I know I took this trip on alone and I never for one moment thought I would meet someone on this trip that will end up in my “good friend” list, which does not mean that I don’t appreciate the people I have met and who stay in touch. I see people travelling with friends, wives or lovers, a neat unit working together to survive the challenges thrown at them by another country or even just another state and it makes me miss my friends and wish I could have one here from time to time just to have something familiar.

What I’m trying to say is that I am beginning to tire of meeting strangers and feeling myself like a stranger. I wonder to myself what’s the point in introducing myself to people if all they have is a few days to get to know me and me them. During this time remember that I will probably be roaming to find stuff to appreciate so won’t have in depth conversations with them. This is how my head gets when it becomes down. I doubt everything, I feel like I am isolated and have no way out of it and talking to new strangers is just tiring at times. I would love to know why and how to stop this feeling, all I can seem to do is just ride it out until I come out the other side. I question how much of this isolation and solitude I bring upon myself and how much of it is brought upon by society and situations. Do I scare people away? I have always thought I have for being too intense and yet I try to keep an upbeat personality around others.

So it’s time for one of those talks I have with myself, I think what I need right now is probably to be somewhere and release this negative energy. Dance it off, scream, shout, anything. I can’t seem to write at the moment because everything I write feels wrong, even this. It’s okay to be different, this need to fit in won’t last and in fact I might find that if I try too hard to do that I will feel worse because I am trying to put a square peg (me) into a round shaped hole (my current environment). Try to believe that people like my difference, people enjoy it and therefore enjoy who I am (this is not easy to believe). Do I really care if these other travellers like me or understand me? Well yes in a way it would make life easier, but who said it was supposed to be easy. Go out there… be different and be proud that I am.

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