As part of this trip I am trying to attack certain things and somethings which I think I am not very good at. I will come out with it and say I have no idea in general if someone is interested in me or not. During the relationships that I have had there has always been those questions in my head of am I doing enough, do I need to do more? How much do they really know me? How much are they interested in me? Am I too demanding physically? etc etc. It takes a lot to try and calm all of these questions so that it does not make meeting a potential partner stressful.
I used to be a lot more closed about my feelings and emotions but that has changed, since the end of my first relationship which lasted 12 years I have tried to be an open book and I’m not sure just how much good that has done me. I don’t regret being the person I am but I do wonder what it does to me being this open to people. After the end of my first relationship I struggled to read even more what people thought of me. At times I would need and probably still do need them to spell it out. I have a fairly low confidence level as I have pointed out and have never really been that good at reading what other people see in me. In fact in the past I have tried to completely invalidate what people feel about me by just not believing it.
I hate to play games that I don’t know the rules to and luckily the people I have spent a lot of time with have not been the type to play games but there is a common theme here. This is a mixture of the lack of confidence I have, as I have already said I really struggle to read if someone “likes” me or not. When I do get involved I have never really been sure what to do, what is too fast and what is too slow, finding out how much contact the other person needs and how much I need. Okay I always over think all of these things and as soon as a seed gets planted in my head I find it hard to stop that interfering. So to tackle this I have decided to ask a lot more direct questions. I know through being in these situations in the past that I need to find out sooner rather than later and get confirmation, the amount of stress that I felt during those months of uncertainty was intense. Now this might be a little aggressive but with uncertainty comes worry and over processing and I don’t need that right now so whenever I have felt something I have begun to challenge it and maybe that will help me read the signs a bit better or even be more assertive in what I want. Right now I don’t want to be involved I just want to be on this trip and see what happens and if you have an interest in me you will have to be prepared to spell it out for me or eventually I will ask you very directly what is going on. Last thing I need right now is more uncertainty.