Since my last post I have been interviewing for jobs with some results which is good because for a moment there I was beginning to think I was totally out of date and not needed by the industry. It seems to be riddled with work that involves a large element of design and I only really do tech design and not design design, does that make sense? No? Good.
So over the past week I have been in rather serious talks with a well known bookseller in the UK. Now I am not going to divulge who they are but I will say that the job was looking like a huge challenge and a fantastic opportunity. This is the kind of job if you put it on your CV you will probably be really in demand for the rest of your career. I went through first of all a telephone interview followed by a meeting with the company, they also asked me back to do some technical test just to ensure I can do what I say I can. It was at this second meeting I needed to ask quite a few important questions to ensure I knew what I felt about this job was right. Don’t get me wrong, like I said it’s a great opportunity and I could probably do the job but I had to ask myself at what cost? You should know I’m all about changing myself for the better but for this position I feel I would have to change quite a lot about personality to achieve what would be needed. I don’t believe that I have a strong personality, what I mean by this is that I am not prepared to argue over petty stuff just to make a point, it’s not in my nature. Either people listen to me and I am right or I will walk away from the situation and if it all goes wrong not take any blame for this. Fighting has never been a thing for me, in fact I avoid fights wherever possible and this attribute of my personality would be really detrimental to the job. If I went through the process of changing this then I I would be changing something so fundamental within me that it may damage me permanently. The other scenario that played out in my head is equally likely, say I take the job and I manage to find a way to deal with the changes, there is a lot within the job itself to deal with. The problem with this is that I tend to throw myself into companies and I can see myself really trying to solve all the problems as fast as possible so I can get on with things. The last time i did this I took on so much that I ended up just doing a lot of things which were not deemed important by the business but to me it was important. Again this trait can be worked on and probably with the right support I would find the right way to do it, however I could see myself falling into this and burning out within 6-8 months. The last thing I want to do after spending a year away and with my thoughts is fall back into that whirlwind and undoing all the hard work I have put in.
There is something else about me seeing this company that also taught me something about myself. I’ve always wondered how people make such strict decisions and weather or not it is a personality trait or something that can be learned. I have in the past been called stubborn, if there is something I don’t want to do then I will go out of my way to avoid it although this is not always the case. I have noticed before how I will bend to another persons view to either give myself an easy life, save argument or even just out of our curiosity and I have also noticed that this particular behaviour in certain circumstances can leave me feeling frustrated that I did not stand my ground. I have thought on several occasions that I need to really be aware of when I am bending to another persons will and ensure that it is always to my benefit but this is going to take time and training no doubt. It’s things like this that I would (if I was working) turn to counselling for. As much as I love the support my friends give me their advise is probably not as impartial as I need it to be and they probably don’t have the tools to point me in the right direction. I am a curious person, there are of course things I know nothing about and really feel no need to investigate it any further. A good example of this is football (aka soccer), I have a bare minimal understanding of what happens and really don’t see what all the fuss is about, on top of this there is no desire to find out more about it or get involved in any way shape or form. On the other hand I can have incredibly long conversations with myself about how I may not want to do a certain thing and someone can talk to me about doing it and something inside me listens to them and begins to think “Well it won’t hurt to take a look will it?”. The instant this happens the person who was able to sow the seed of doubt has a very good chance of getting me to do something I may of previously said no to. Often my brain is right, it does not hurt to take a look and be sure, although at times it can take up a great deal of my time and energy to find out for sure. I know that I really hate to be prejudice to things and maybe I need to try something out before I know for sure that it is not right for me.
Why is this relevant to me not taking the job for the bookseller? Well after I had the first face to face meeting I had already an feeling that I did not want to go any further. I had some thoughts on how things were going to be and I went so far as to email the people who were arranging the position and told them I was taking myself out of the running. They called me (of course) and I chatted with the guy who was not pushy but he was suggestive, I suspect this is part of his training or personality because it is in his best interest to get me into that job and if I pull out then it’s not good for him. However I have spoken to people a lot more aggressive than him and the way I deal with those kind of people is very different, I want to make it clear (incase he reads this) he was not pushy, he did however massage the curiosity that I already had and got me to change my mind about dropping out and not going to the tech day that was arranged. I admit when I put the phone down from him I was a bit upset with myself, wondering how and why I let him change my mind on this but I can take something positive away from this. The positive thing is that at least I am now 100% sure that the position was not right for me, with no doubt and there is something really positive in that.
There is some other news. This weekend I pack my bag again, where to now I hear you ask, what exotic place will I be blogging from next? Well actually I’m not leaving the UK just moving closer to the contract job that I have accepted this week so I should within the next few weeks actually have some money coming in for the first time in over a year. Time to knuckle down for a few months and get some of that cash back that I have been spending. Onwards and forwards we go.