Random post from Spain

Dearest blog, you’ve all but been forgotten bless you. Look I’ve not forgotten, just that life has been really busy and I’ve not given myself time to write anything down. If I tried to catch up with what has happened between my last post and this one we would be here all day so I’m not going to do that. Let’s have a bit of what is happening now instead.

Right now I’m in Spain, it’s been a long time since I’ve managed to get away by myself, mostly because of the house and I’ve been so busy. But I have needed to make it as long as I possibly can to be able to cope for the coming months. Once I landed in Seville and stopped it then began to dawn on me just how much was being contained within my head. It’s a lot, none of it a big threat to my stability but I’ve been hoarding again which is really unhealthy. In 2019 I will try to seek out more counseling again to try and process some of it.

I started with a list, a good habit but I have been known to make lists and never get round to crossing anything off them and the list just gets bigger which then causes me to feel totally out of control. The initial list turned out to be pretty big so it’s good that I have a bit of downtime to start to unpack my head. Let’s face it, most of it fits a very familiar pattern.

  • Worries about being selfish and needing time to myself
  • Worries about if I am capable of keeping my current job
  • Worries about if I am capable of getting another job
  • Worries about if my house is falling apart
  • Worries about my immediate family and their antics
  • Carrying other people’s luggage even though I don’t actually need to

I’m sure there are plenty more things that I concern myself with. When I look at it with 10000 meter stare most of it seems like ridiculous concerns because there are quite a few that just don’t exist.

I didn’t really want to go back to councelling, I was hoping that I was done with it for the near future. But then I tend to say this every time I end up having to go back. So now I have to find a counselor in Bristol that I can work with and then arrange to get at least a bi-weekly meeting with them, which might eventually turn into monthly.

But what about Spain?

Spain is great, I just wish I was more confident here. I don’t know nearly enough of the language to make it useful, I’m put off by the sometimes crowded nature of places and in general I find the Spanish people far too loud. That’s the negative.. The positive is far greater.

The food is pretty incredible and not expensive which considering how the pound is tanking against the Euro at the moment because of Brexit I am thankful for. The wine is utterly delicious and again, cheap. Weather wise it’s been mostly good, averaging 12°C. I spent nearly 4 days hardly talking to anyone and just jotting down my thoughts. This was really helpful, I found so much stuff to unpack and started to pen a very long and very full letter to my partner (who shall from hereon in be known as N). I realised while writing this that half of it did not need to go to him and I was actually writing things down for myself. I’ve also managed to do some reading which I just have not had the time for.

Wait… Did you say partner, and him?

Yes, yes I did. In my last post I mentioned that I had told a friend that my feelings ran deeper, and that I was happy that I had done so, well it’s still all good with us. It’s been an interesting and somewhat testing year for the both of us but I’m not going to get into that here, that’s for councelling. If I’m honest I doubted that he would entertain a relationship with me. As friends there was definitely something more there but I was not sure if that more meant a relationship. I’m really glad how it’s been going so far. It still feels strange to me embracing that side of me, it’s still a bit foreign and I feel like a bit of a fake queer at times but again all of this is best worked out in councelling. Basically he’s awesome, I love having him in my life, I love how close we are and I love our adventures.

How’s the house?

It’s not great… But it’s also not falling down as far as I am aware. It needs work, I think it’s a fair bit of work and not really something I can do as DIY. It could be worse and it could be better. Now that I have been there a whole year it’s definitely time to change things a little inside. I’ll start with paint and fixing the shit that is broken. It’s an odd ball and chain to have around my neck, but believe it or not.. I have a plan in the works! I can’t reveal that plan at the moment but maybe next time.

I think that is all for now, I’m sure I will post again here sooner or later.

– Chris

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