I have been quite reflective over the last few days as Mardi Gras has faded and I was preparing to leave New Orleans. I know that I have been thinking just how far away I am from finishing this journey but how much I have seen and done so far. During this reflective moment I found a bit of writing that acknowledges my darker and more depressive side. It often disturbs me a bit that I was feeling the way that I was and when it happens if I can write it’s very raw and from the heart without barriers. You can often find in these texts where I talk to myself as an audience that I place the blame directly on me. Sometimes that dark side experiments with poetry and I remember writing this very particular piece and it may never get aired, I am sure poets do not publish everything but something in me wants to display this part of me. It’s like the more I keep it hidden the more power I give it and the more power it has the more destructive it could be. When I wrote this piece in particular I remember telling myself that I should take it to a counselling session and attempt to read it, which I did.
I sort of remember that particular session. We spoke about the piece of writing and how I wanted to perform it for my counsellor, to let it out and be free perhaps. She told me to not think about it as a performance but just to read it and see what happens, I was not there to perform to her as an audience of one but to open up and share a side of me that I am scared of in a perfectly safe space. I spoke about not being able to read it without breaking down and I don’t want to do that because I want to be understood and again we came back to the same thing trying not to worry about how other people are going to receive it but why I wanted to bring it to the session in the first place. So after a chat I did actually speak the piece to her and it was good to give the piece a voice, it was not easy to do so but it was good. During the reading I think I broke down crying at least once, and I was not using a voice that I would if I were performing, this was me, raw, open and in a distinct amount of pain, even writing this piece has provoked an emotion. I sort of re-live these moments when I read them, it takes me back to that place and I remember things like how I felt, where I wrote it and even in which environment I wrote it in which can prove to be painful but there is relief in it. To enable me to perform these pieces I need to distance myself from them and even treat them like somebody else’s work and I really feel that some of them need to be aired.
So I have toyed with the idea of publishing the piece in question here but of course I am worried about how it will be received, This blog was setup not to hurt people but to be informative and reflective about my life experiences and this is one of them which is why it feels relevant to include it. I have shown a friend this bit of writing, I e-mailed it to them just to read and they had an expected extreme reaction to it telling me to delete it because it can’t be good to hang onto such things but this is not a feeling I share. I have been keeping hold of my writings both dark and light for years now and have a massive archive of stuff that I can crawl through and reflect upon which helps me realise what was and what is and how things have changed. At the moment I am not going to publish it here but just knowing that I have toyed with the idea of opening that side of me to the public is an interesting change. There will always be pieces that I am either not happy with or are too painful for me to deliver here and that is why I have a second blog for that, I know what you might be thinking why would anyone need two? Well one is a very safe space for me and I can express myself fully knowing I am not going to hurt anyone, all the raw unfiltered stuff ends up there, I don’t write in it as often as I used to but it still exists and gets posted to.
I think I am beginning to embrace the various parts of my personality that I was unsure if they were really me or not. I am passionate, thoughtful, sometimes a bit wild, expressive, emotional and a thinker. I don’t need people to notice me, and I don’t need to be louder and bigger than the next person during those times you will find me observing or ignoring the whole thing and going about my own business.