I have come away from where I am staying to write this. As I have mentioned before if the internet is there sometimes it can be a distraction and when I don’t want to be distracted by people or even by my brain wanting to do stuff on the internet I need to not only switch it off. Switching it off works from time to time but if my brain knows it’s there it is always tempted to see what I might be missing out on to which the answer is generally not very much.
There are certain things I want to write but can’t. Well actually I can but I will end up hurting people and sure I can keep those bits of writing in my other blog but sometimes I want to be honest with the world around me, and myself and put my thoughts out there. What stops me? Well I care about people, and no matter what I have written none of it is made to intentionally hurt people. It is honest and most certainly not made up so because I care about people I hold back which actually does me no good at all. During my counselling session I wanted to release more than I did, I always had the thought that I was holding back a bit and as much as that is true what I had to learn was to not be hard upon myself for doing that, one day at a time, one moment at a time.
I have written several letters to people I care about laying down the honesty, opening up and of course I have never sent them. I have a tendency to store things up and try to keep them bottled up, and eventually the bottle gets full but I still cram things in. From time to time the bottle brakes and I go about writing one of these letters or on rare occasions am able to talk to the person. The contents of the bottle get’s released but not in a steady stream of information but a virtual emotional tidal wave because I just cannot cope anymore. I describe this feeling in many ways and the bottle analogy is jus one of them, I have used words like volcanic, spew, burst etc all of which are of course violent reactions. Sometimes I want to climb to the top of a mountain and scream as loud as I can so that the whole world hears and yet nobody will hear. Saying things out loud is a lot harder than I ever expected it to be.
Of course this post is about how I have been dealing with things in the past and how I want to deal with them in the future. Counselling has shown me how bad that tidal wave of emotion is and how difficult it must be for the other person to receive it, you sort of get washed away with it, speechless with no idea of what support to give, what to say or what to do so I am trying to tone it down a bit. I will still get it wrong and of course people will still get hurt no matter what I do, sadly I can’t stop any human being from being upset about something. This is why counselling was effective, I didn’t have anyone there I could hurt and it was just the counsellor and I so I could say anything I liked and this is not that place but I would still like to be more open than I am here. I feel bad for hiding things away from the people who care about me, yet sometimes I find it so hard to talk to them because I don’t want them to be on the receiving end of one of the tidal waves. Knowing what to tackle is a good start and how to go about it, asking direct questions, not one’s that assume but ones that confirm or deny something.
So I apologise if you have ever been caught in one of these tidal waves, I am trying to keep the pressure in the bottle to a minimum. Not sure how other people feel about it but I would rather have the truth than be lied to so I try to apply that theory to other people. Sure the truth hurts, but lies hurt a hell of a lot more when you find out they were not true.