Why would anyone want to open themselves to the entire world or the internets as it is more commonly known. Let’s start at the beginning.
I started writing a diary a long time ago, I have kept one since I was about fifteen and it was for me an outlet that I didn’t realise I needed or benefitted from back then. My diary up until this particular one that you are reading right now have all been private or unannounced and very few people have read it. At the time I was writing my first one I used it mostly to help me vent the frustrations I had with school and family, the entire thing was kept on my computer, yes I was even a nerd back then, all typed in a beautiful text editor on an Amiga. As far as I now my parents had no idea that this diary existed, they had access to my computer (there were no locked doors in our house apart from the main entrance) but they have never really been into computers, or probably had the knowledge to find where I had hidden it being an older generation. They probably never knew the secrets I was hiding in there and I did not want to upset them and seem weak by talking about them at the time. Now this all sounds very dramatic like I had the worst childhood ever but I have already stated that my parents are good parents and it was mostly what was happening to me at school that made my life as a teenager miserable.
One day in particular I was in my room in a bit of a foul mood (teenage angst I am sure) and can’t remember the exact reason how but somehow I managed to delete the diary in it’s entirety which contained about four years or so of my life. I actually went through a period of mourning for this diary which lasted a few years. I tried to convince myself I don’t need to keep such things and then one day I started writing again. I promised myself to never delete things again, everything is relevant even if I hate it, this second diary I never bothered to hide. I hid it from search engines and that’s why even today I will not tell anyone where it is sat. It is public and it contains sometimes very raw feelings and outbursts, here I am not writing for an audience, I am purely writing for me. Sometimes (rarely) this diary get’s updated, some of it is mundane, some of it is still angry but all of it is significant I am sure. Writing a diary for me has never been a ‘daily’ thing, it has always been event driven.
As I have said before writing helps me remember, it helps me to process and one of these most important things for me right now is sharing. Sharing is a big part of my nature I like to share food, experiences, laughter, love and life in general. I love to share this with people I care about and I know people I care about do read this. I have put myself in an odd position where I have no long term real physical companionship to share my current experiences with so I end up updating this more than I thought I would. What you see here is a sometimes heavily edited version of what I had written as I am writing for an audience but also writing for me if that makes sense. The editor in me does not care too much about spelling or grammar but it cares more about if this is something I want to and should let the general public read. The editor in me does not want this to be just a reel of expletives and self deprecation when I am down, he wants to try and start to convey when I am down, how it feels, what has put me there and what I am going to do to get me back to where I should be.
There is one potential problem being as public as I am right now, that problem is potentially my next job. If my next employer decides to do some research about me they will find my website and my twitter account, again I have been very public about all of these things and really do not wish to hide them. My opinion may be strong at times, or even misguided but it is there to be seen, I am trying not to hide anything anymore. After years of hiding so much I think the more honest I am digitally the more I can be to others. This whole travel situation has seen me talk very frank and very open with people, pulling no punches, about bloody time!
So this is why I write. It’s not just one reason it’s many, it’s not to get famous, it’s not to get a pocket full of cash, it’s sort of selfish but sharing all at the same time. Confusing huh? Welcome to my world.